How to meet your baby's expectations by recognising your own
I eat and drink whenever I'm hungry or thirsty. Some days, I'm not super hungry and can go several hours without anything, then other days, I feel like all I'm doing is grazing throughout the entire day!
I love being silly and having fun. It makes me feel good and I feel connected to those I'm being silly with, too.
I really enjoy my own downtime, especially after being social or after the kids have gone to bed. I get touched out and I am also an introvert at heart so socialising can be fun but incredibly draining.
I have moments where I need calm and connection with my partner, my child, or my siblings and friends to feel safe and loved. Without it, I feel overwhelmed or lonely.
I can sometimes take it to heart when people talk to me in a rude tone or say words that are hurtful. My sense of self can take a dip and depending on what exactly gets said, I then mull over it with all the energy I should be giving to more important things in life!
I need to vent to my partner, my siblings, my friends on the days where I've just had it up to my eyeballs, or when I feel anxious and stressed.
These are a few of the ways I like to be treated or how people's words and actions can affect me.
Our babies also need the same directed towards them.
Moments where their needs are met on demand rather than by a rigid schedule.
Fun, silliness and displays of affection.
Connection - for example, this can be through play, reading, contact naps, babywearing, co-sleeping, bottle feeding, bedtime routine.
Calmness - learning as adults how to regulate ourselves in order to be able to help our babies with their own dysregulation.
Kind words spoken both TO them and ABOUT them (no "bad sleeper", "bad eater", "crap nap" talk).
Space to release feelings of frustration, stress, overstimulation, discomfort and fear.
Is this all necessary? I mean, a baby just needs food and sleep to survive, right?!
We have the advantage of being fully developed adults; babies, on the other hand, don't come out of the womb fully developed and need to be taught and shown everything. It's a lot to soak in and learn. They aren't being intentionally difficult. They get stressed and scared and overwhelmed, too just like adults. They communicate with us in an age-appropriate way, which is through crying or other sounds until vocabulary or signing comes along. Despite what you may have heard, I promise you, your baby won't turn out to be spoiled because you picked them up, carried them, let them sleep on or near you or responded to their every cry - as a parent, responding to their crying shows them that they are safe and that their needs and expectations are being met.
In saying all of that, it can be hard to know what your baby is crying about. Mental checklists can be really helpful, but they can only get you so far if there are also some yellow or red flags appearing in relation to your baby's growth, development or wellbeing. Throw in sleep deprivation, perinatal mood disorders or other feelings and situations that are going on in your life, all of which can lead to us to expect babies to be able to do things or behave in ways before they are ready. The feelings and expectations we project onto our babies are often compounded if we do not have emotional or physical support in place.
So, let's loop back to this idea of parenting the way we would want to be treated with a few examples:
Do you ever change up your walking route to keep it interesting for yourself, or to extend/shorten your walks depending on how you feel in that moment? Small changes like these enrich us in different ways - maybe it's physical in terms of our heart health, maybe it's mental because we needed that extra few minutes outside because we had a rough night's sleep and the fresh air could do everyone some good today. Maybe it was just nice to walk down a street you've never gone down before and to see something different. If these small actions and choices fulfil us, our babies are also fulfilled by seemingly small, but enriching actions. The next time you find yourself reading the same story that your little one absolutely loves OVER AND OVER, reframe it as beautiful, small gesture of showing your baby that their needs matter; that this story brings them joy and they get to have a beautiful connecting moment with them.
Many babies are like little baby koalas in that they never seem to want to leave your body alone for even a moment! If it isn't bothering you physically to be baby wearing and contact napping constantly, but you are struggling to get other things done, is there a way to outsource some help, like getting someone to walk the dog or do some laundry, cook some meals, clean the house, etc? If the constant contact is making you feel touched out, is there a way to get a family member, friend or postpartum doula to do some contact naps or babywearing, and do some bottle feed whilst you take a shower or get some sleep? This way, you not only ensure your baby's expectations are being met, but that you aren't compromising yours, either.
If we were feeling off for an extended period of time, we'd (hopefully) go and see our primary healthcare provider (PHP), right? Same goes for your baby - if you are ever concerned about anything related to their growth, development or wellbeing, see your PHP as soon as possible.
The take away? The foundations are set from birth. Being empathetic is learned behaviour and modelling it in our parenting practice from birth in a variety of different ways has a lasting impact on a baby's development, so don't skimp on it!
Comments